Writing Again

It has been a while. It's fascinating for me to go back through and read my old posts. I don't really remember writing them, but some of the things I have said are good for me to hear (or read) again.

I recently attended a retreat for women healing from trauma. One of the brave things I did at the retreat was walk on fire. Physically, I have always been brave. Rare has been a moment when I have turned down a physical challenge out of fear. I have a high pain tolerance, which may limit my caution. Nevertheless, I hesitated to step foot on those coals for another reason: emotional vulnerability. We discussed making the task easier by visioning for what or for whom we would walk across fire.

That was a challenge for me. I could handle those coals for the sake of walking across them without problem, but what would make it worth an injury? Upon further introspection, I realized that I'm not afraid to be hurt. Well, that is to say, I'm not afraid to be quite literally burned. I am, honestly, terrified of the emotional equivalent. I don't want the metaphorical burn. Just as my feet are so calloused to protect them from the literal fire, my soul is calloused to protect me from vulnerability. This epiphany lead me to spend hours in self analysis. What has changed in my life to allow me to allow myself to be so closed off?

Honestly, everything has changed. I started this blog with a lot of hope for life and energy. I had repressed pain in exchange for optimism. I'm not that person anymore. The pain is no longer repressed and the optimism has faded.

The constant in my life has been my faith. While for a brief moment or two, I questioned it. More than I have questioned it, have I proved it. For that reason, I'm still here.