Writing Again

It has been a while. It's fascinating for me to go back through and read my old posts. I don't really remember writing them, but some of the things I have said are good for me to hear (or read) again.

I recently attended a retreat for women healing from trauma. One of the brave things I did at the retreat was walk on fire. Physically, I have always been brave. Rare has been a moment when I have turned down a physical challenge out of fear. I have a high pain tolerance, which may limit my caution. Nevertheless, I hesitated to step foot on those coals for another reason: emotional vulnerability. We discussed making the task easier by visioning for what or for whom we would walk across fire.

That was a challenge for me. I could handle those coals for the sake of walking across them without problem, but what would make it worth an injury? Upon further introspection, I realized that I'm not afraid to be hurt. Well, that is to say, I'm not afraid to be quite literally burned. I am, honestly, terrified of the emotional equivalent. I don't want the metaphorical burn. Just as my feet are so calloused to protect them from the literal fire, my soul is calloused to protect me from vulnerability. This epiphany lead me to spend hours in self analysis. What has changed in my life to allow me to allow myself to be so closed off?

Honestly, everything has changed. I started this blog with a lot of hope for life and energy. I had repressed pain in exchange for optimism. I'm not that person anymore. The pain is no longer repressed and the optimism has faded.

The constant in my life has been my faith. While for a brief moment or two, I questioned it. More than I have questioned it, have I proved it. For that reason, I'm still here.

Hello, Twinsies

The twins were born March 20, 2014, six months ago. Our lives will never be the same. They just turned six months old, and I suppose I could share a little bit about them.

The morning of March 20th was a crazy one. I was scheduled for surgery at noon, but my obstetrician  was able to get me in just a little bit early. The twins were born at 12:00pm and 12:01pm- but only twenty seconds apart.

My doctor was great. The c-section was the easiest yet. The babies are perfect.

After the boys had finished preschool, my sister-in-law, Lauren, brought them to the hospital to meet their siblings. I think these pictures taken by Uptown Photography speak for themselves.

Let me tell you, guys: narrowing which pictures to share was a challenge. I highly recommend Jessamyn.

The months following the twins birth are kind of a blur. My mother and mother-in-law were both an amazing help in getting our family adjusted to our new size. I don't know what I would have done without them (maybe died of exhaustion). Kathy stayed with us for a few nights after we were home from the hospital and my mom did also in the weeks to follow. We slowly transitioned into becoming a functioning family (ha... ha...). 

From the second they were born, the spirits of these children have impacted my heart. Claire is a very gentle and peaceful spirit. I like to call her, "princess." Cliche as it is, she is always missing one sock, she is the joy and the peace, the calm in our storm of boys, she knows what she wants, but she is very polite about it. She is her mom's girl. She is always wanting to be close. She preservers until she has accomplished for what she has been working. Of course, she is a little spoiled. It will be interesting to see the person into whom she becomes.  Landon is, "Sunshine." He is the joy and the light; the entertainer. All he really wants to do is get you (it doesn't matter who you are) to smile. His smile starts with a grin slowly radiates from every piece of his body. It is usually followed by a deep gut laugh. He is both strong and determined. He has a heart so big for his itty bitty body. The first thing I get in the morning is a great, big Sunshine kiss. He clutches to me for snuggles, but he is also eager to let go and be himself (as long as he knows I am watching him be himself and I am impressed).

The twins were named with care. Abby Claire was named for her mother, and her great-great grandmother. Abby also means, "father's joy," and she is the only daughter to be dad's girl. Claire is a name derived from latin meaning, "bright and clear." She is appropriately named as she is bright in mind and spirit and clear in her intentions. We found Claire to be an elegant and charming name appropriate for her childhood years as well as her adult.

Matthew Landon was first and foremost named for his daddy. All of our children have one Biblical name: Daniel, Thomas, Abby, and Matthew. He is his dad's boy. He lights up when Matt walks into the room (and also when his Grandma Jan walks into the room). He is very much like Matt in many ways- he is of joy, of love, and of peace. Landon was named for my father in a round about way. The O'Neil/Petersen side of my family has an abundance of "L" names. In fact, it is almost impossible to find an L name that has yet been claimed. Landon had yet to be claimed, so we snatched it in honor of his Papa Lloyd (and a little bit for his Grandma Lola, who I hope was helping him get here from the other side). I hope that because he is named for his ancestors, that Sunshine is intrigued and fervent in learning about his genealogy and heritage. 

Mason and Brennan are the greatest big brothers. Life changed entirely for them. It opened a new part of their hearts and I was surprised to learn that they could become even more loving than they already were. I really shouldn't have been as surprised as I was. Mason, after all, prayed Claire here. Brennan is the one that really warmed my heart. I knew Mason was old enough to understand and to love, however, I incorrectly assumed Brennan was just a little young to get it. He wasn't very excited during the pregnancy. In fact, he was quite the opposite. There has never been a greater big brother than is Brennan. The first thing he does in the morning is tip toe into the nursery to check on the babies. He loves them when they're sad. He always gives them a goodbye kiss before school and a hello kiss as soon as he sees them again. He is a special and tender soul and he will be a strength to those kiddos through their life. Mason will always be a strong example of work and of love. He is constantly finding things to make the babies happy. He is always trying to surprise someone in our home with acts of love, and while it is usually me, his three younger siblings are far from left out. 

I could write about these blessings for days. I will, but I'll break it up a little bit. I'm sorry to our family that waits for my blog for an update. Here is a teeny update, and know you can always call. I am a constant hot mess with the chaos that currently embraces me, but there is always time in my day and space in my home for our family and friends.

Well Wishes. <3 Here are some more pictures. Newborn pictures by Vanilla Tree Photography.

And here they are posing for their Mama just before they turned six months old. Harry Potter and Belle. Little bookworms. Their current favorite part of the day is story time. 

Our Family: Start to Finish

I've been pondering for months the story of the completion of our family, and how to share it. Our oldest son was born nearly five years ago. The delivery did not go so well, but in the end, both he and I were safe. While recovering, I was told that it was incredible he was conceived, and it would likely be very difficult to achieve it again, if it could be achieved. Also, due to the method of delivery, we would be limited to three children, should we be able to have any more. 

Ironically, I was pregnant when given that news. Mason had left someone important behind upon his arrival: Brennan. Brennan wasn't about to be left out. Eleven months after Mason graced us with love and joy, Brennan graced us with more adventure. After Brennan's delivery, I was given the same news I had received after Mason. 

My heart ached. For anyone who has known me growing up, they know of my love for children. However, I knew my life could totally be complete with two (possibly three, if we got lucky) children. 

And so for three years, we lived our lives with little thought of "our last child." We had discussed attempted timing. We knew that we didn't want more than 4 years between Brennan and our potential last child so the youngest was not completely the odd one out. I had felt strongly that there was another little boy aching to come play. However, when Mason turned 2, he began to pray for a little sister every time he said a prayer. Occasionally, he would pray just to pray for a little sister. It was sort if a game in my mind: which one of us was right? (Answer: Brennan. Brennan prayed for a cat every time Mason prayed for a sister. The cat came first). 

With Brennan's third birthday, our lives started falling into place for our next child. In May, we put an offer on a home, hopefully, but not expectantly. Surprise! We got it. We moved in shortly before B turned 3. Other small pieces of our lives came together. Figuring it would take several months for the success of our next child, we left the fate of our future in divine hands outside of what should have been a successful time frame. It was within two weeks that I was very confident I was pregnant. Upon being very confident I was pregnant, I was also quite confident it wasn't going to be a normal pregnancy. Conceiving children, while theoretically should be difficult for us, is definitely not a problem. In fact, we should probably stop sharing forks and washing our clothes together: just in case.

Of course, we immediately began praying. Matt wasn't thrilled about the idea of twins, and while I was trying to remain open to the possibility, I wasn't exactly thrilled either. While we waited patiently for my first visit "baby" visit with the OB (I had seen him already through the pregnancy for severe dehydration from HG), we went on vacation with my in-laws. Fun fact: hiding HG while living with someone for over a week is a teensy bit of a challenge. 

During our visit to Kauai, I had a life changing experience. I will share that another day. :) 

When we returned home, I decided to change my perspective. I kneeled in prayer and asked that if it be the will of The Lord, bless us with his children. If He is going to bless me with twins, may he also bless me with gratitude for their presence and the ability to adequately love and care for all of my children. Immediately, I felt an overwhelming peace and I knew: it's twins. I told Matt. I think he knew too, but he stayed in denial until three weeks later when we had scientific evidence. 

And so arrived that fateful September day. I was one week shy of my second trimester. When the nurse couldn't find a kiddos heart beat, they pulled out the office ultrasound. There they were. Side by side, exactly the same size, mirroring one another. It was as though they deliberately showed up at the same time. I was a little shocked that my instincts had been correct, but not surprised. The Lord had prepared me. At this point, because of their size and placement, we were unsure of whether they were fraternal or identical. We knew they had their own placentas, and they were safe.

Flash forward: five weeks later we were able to see the genders. They are fraternal. So, I'm blaming this twin thing on Mason. Have you ever seen a child diligently pray for something? For years? How could Heavenly Father ignore that? That little boy has been part of the plan from the get-go. Mason prayed that little girl here: I am sure of it. I am also grateful for it. Mason and Claire will have a relationship of strength, love, and big-brother protection. It will be interesting to watch through the years.

So, here we are. We have two days until the arrival of our last children. While the future is never certain, I am certain of this: while our family was not necessarily planned by us, it was very carefully planned. Mason is the most genuine and incredible child I have ever loved. Brennan is the most independent, diligent, and sweet spirit my heart has embraced. While I haven't yet met Claire and Landon, I know they will bless and strengthen our family with the qualities of their personalities. I will be challenged by them so that I may learn. I will love all four of those kiddos every second of their lives. I will peacefully embrace the closure of our family (even though we all know I could have ten children and be a happy camper) because this is the way it has been planned for us. There is nothing that brings me more spiritual completion than knowing that while this is the end, it is also the beginning. From here, our children grow. We do our best to raise them as functioning members of society and loving children of God. When they are grown (and we're empty nesters around 40, suckers), I'm left spending the rest of my life being the matriarch of a family where my very best friend is the patriarch. We get to watch our children adventure into life together.  When we want to make their choices for them, we have each other's hands to hold. That, in itself, is more than I could ask for. I don't know, but I think the universe knew what it was doing when we were brought together.

Medical Update

UPDATE: I do not have gestational diabetes. I'm anemic. The combination of anemia and hypothyroidism is what was causing the gestational diabetes-like symptoms. I'm hoping with the increase in iron that my heart will return to normal.


I'm generally not very open with my medical life, but word gets around and many have asked me about how the babies are doing.

I have been in and out of the doctor and hospital a lot this week. At 23 weeks, I started regularly contracting (disclaimer: I did the same thing with Brennan starting about 28 weeks, and he almost made it to term. It's not a huge rise for concern yet). I had a kidney/bladder infection (and a whole ordeal with a medication to which I am allergic) that sent me into early labor this Tuesday. However, Portneuf has a very competent staff and we were able to get things under control quickly and I was able to go home late Tuesday night.

The babies heart rates have sounded ok. He gets a little worked up, and I have an appointment Wednesday for another ultrasound to check on him. She sounds healthy as ever. Both kids are moving and active.

I do, unfortunately, (probably) have gestational diabetes. Dang. Despite my genetics, I was able to ward it off until my last pregnancy. So that was nice. I was spilling sugar with my infection (260 after fasting for several hours). That prompted them to have me take an early gestational glucose test Wednesday morning. I didn't do so well. In fact, it's a miracle I drove home without hitting anyone. I still need to take the three hour test and then I will have an official diagnosis next week.

The morning sickness is almost gone! Thank heavens. I have been able to mostly go off the Zofran and use my diet to help me control it. Sadly, carbs help the most. Time for a new game-plan.

I had a fFN test Wednesday morning that came back negative. It sounds as though I will continue to have those every week. I won't continue to update everyone on them every week.

I'm still having problems with vision and dizziness. I will be able to stop eating extra carbs tonight, and I think that will solve the problem. :)

I have a few more print orders to receive and deliver and then I am done working. I have a few spring sessions that I may/may not keep depending on how things go this next week. My work load has consisted of 8-10 hour days at the computer this fall/winter. While I am grateful to do most of my work from home so that I can be with my kids, I will be SO glad to see that end.

Thank you to everyone who has come by this week and helped us in some way or another. Thank you especially to those who send a quick text or phone call just to say, "hi." That has sincerely helped with my crazy emotions. I love my friends and family (especially my mom, aunt, and mother-in-law). Thanks for all of the prayers, love, and good vibes. I know that it has truly helped.

I will probably update again soon. I'll be more eager to update if the babies are healthy. I might even share a picture or two.

The Secret to Happy Kids

Time. Surprise, it's time.

I had began to notice that since being pregnant, the happiness of myself and our kids was on the decline. M was starting to develop a shorter fuse and B was spending more and more time alone with his legos. I was tired, and frustrated that I couldn't keep up with housework as fast as my munchkins were providing it.

I kneeled down in prayer, in desperation, and cried. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what was different. I had been assisting at the preschool my children attend and I felt like I was falling behind in all areas of life. I sat in meditation for several minutes, thinking about every time I had seen the boys laugh in the last week. That laughter is what brings the spirit of family alive in our home. The longer I meditated, the more examples I could recall.

Laughter came when we were together. Ok, so we needed to spend more time together. So now I needed to figure out how to balance time spent outside our home, working from home, and quality mother-kid time. These are the changes I made in our lives:

1. Literature
The boys and I were reading before bed time, but we weren't spending a lot of time reading together during the day. We now have changed our routine so that we read 4-5 children's books after breakfast. It's time consuming. Many days, when the work load is heavy, I feel like I don't have time for it. I have skipped it about 4 times in the last month. Every time I have skipped it, I have regretted it. Reading together does several things for us: it creates time where we can discuss subject matter of the imagination; it resets our brains so that we are focused positively on one another; it helps us to let go of real world problems for a few minutes and pretend we can smell Big Smelly Bear.

2. Snacks
Let us be honest, I don't have time to sit at the table for 20 minutes on days I have work. I try my hardest to have my day's work accomplished by the time my husband gets home so that my kids can have one attentive parent for the night. I can imagine it's not very much fun to watch both of your parents smile and nod as they work away on the computer. However, I decided that I need to change this. When my kids get home from school (or when we are ready for an afternoon snack on our days off), I don't throw a peanut butter sandwich in front of them and continue to work anymore. I have started to make snacks based on servings of fruits, veggies, and proteins. Then, I sit with them and eat a snack too. Through snack time, I have gained insight into the depths of their imaginations. They like to make up stories to tell one another when they eat. I'm a quiet observer, but I now have 20 minutes every day to appreciate a part of my children I wasn't taking the time to fully appreciate. It gives me quite the look into their personalities.

3. Crafts and Activities
During the weekdays on two or three days of the week, I plan an activity for us to do together as a family. Monday, of course, we have FHE after dinner (and I totally count that).  Tuesday, after snack time, we also do an activity. This week we made cat toys. The cat toys were fun to make, but they served a double purpose. The boys could play with the cat very happily while I worked after craft time. It gave them a sense of pride in accomplishment, and it gave me 15 extra minutes. While we plan our crafts for Tuesday, I try to set aside another day of the week to paint or color together at the table. Often times, we write books. I know these are things that I will cherish in the future. In the mean time, it is really fun to write and illustrate with one another. On days I am short on time, I give them a coloring page to do together as siblings. It helps them to create a loving relationship with one another.

4. Five Minute Snuggles
I don't always get five minutes, but I have started a resolution to get at least 30 seconds at a time 3-4 times a day with each kid. This makes a huge difference. In the morning, when we first greet one another, I am sure to give them a hug and remind them that I am grateful for a piece of who they are. I do it again after breakfast, before school, after school, before/after/during dinner, and while we read for bed time. I not only do this with them, but I encourage them to see the good in each other. If I tell B, "I love the way you scrunch your nose when you're sneaky," then I will ask M, "What is something you love about B?" We do the same for Mason. By doing this, I have noticed that even when they are galavanting around the house as pirates, they are more considerate of one another.

We have come a long way, and we have a long way to go. There are still days when my temper is short. There are becoming more and more days where my energy is short and by the end of the day, I need to just take a moment on the couch so I don't meet those new babies too soon. This post makes me sound like a super mom. Let me assure you, I'm not. I am a normal woman doing the best I can: just like every other mom I know. Every day I wake up and I roll with it. I do firmly believe that quality time is the best thing you can do for your children now and in the future. If you are not spending moments bonding in friendship with your children while they are young, they are not going to trust you when they are older and they have something important to say. A foundation of a good relationship with young children creates the opportunity to have a more productive parent-child relationship as a teenager. If anyone taught me that, it's my mom. She has always been my friend. For the most part, I felt like I could tell her about anything as a teenager. What I couldn't tell her, I could tell my Aunt Wendy. Between the two of them, information made it's way back and forth. I am so incredibly grateful to have had that support system during the "scary years."



I have to admit, my dad and my sister-in-law helped me to get a slide in our house between two levels of our house. It has been a pregnant lady life saver. If I need a break, I can tell the kids to go play on the slide. I will post some pictures when I get our play room painted and the slide opening framed and looking nice. It makes me feel like the coolest mom on the block. I have always said that when our children our teenagers, I want their friends to come hang out with them at our house. I strongly feel like that is something that has to start now. It's habit that is harder to create later. I'm excited to have the slide bring some of our best friends into our home more frequently: especially through the cold Idaho months.

I would love to hear how other moms (especially those working from home) find a few moments in their day to spend quality time with their children. I know that I am so blessed to have friendships with women who are a lot better at dividing time than I am.

I hope that every mom knows that we all do our best. We all fall short. Every one of us is a normal human being. If you are consistently trying to do the best you can, you are doing enough. It doesn't hurt to seek betterment, it is a symptom of humility. While raising children, you are raising the future. That is a pretty incredible power. I love each and every one of you: you are trying.

D&C 93:40 "...bring up your children in light and truth."

Laundry

Since being pregnant (and let's be honest: in general), laundry has been the hardest chore for me to keep up with. It's hard to bend over. It's discouraging to pretreat and scrub the stains of little boys. It's impossible to fold laundry when the boys play in it. It's my least favorite chore, by far.

When I heard this talk by Thomas S. Monson, I cried a little. It was a talk given before I had piles and piles of laundry, but it still touched my heart. Since Mason was born, I have been meaning to put this quote next to our washer and dryer. Today, I finally decided to see if Pinterest had something cute for me to use. Luck would have it, although there was lots of cute, there wasn't a design that included the whole quote that I loved. So, I decided to design myself a sticker, and throw a background on it for anyone else that may want to use it. 

Remember how precious your children are, even if scrubbing grass, paint, and who-knows-what stains are getting you down. Children are a gift to be loved and cherished. They have one chance at childhood. Love them through it.

Here is a printable:

Here is the B/W text I will use to create a sticker:

Silly Sugar Autumn

We have had quite the eventful fall season. Here is a little recap of what is going on in our neck of the woods.

Both boys are now preschoolers. We are loving our Montessori program here in our little college town. I would be happy to share information about the school to anyone who may be interested. I am assisting in the classroom, which has been simultaneously wonderful and exhausting. I really love Miss Jane. She has so much knowledge and patience. It has been a wonderful learning experience for me to work beside her. The boys are growing in their education so quickly. It is wonderful to see how effective the Montessori method is first hand. I am so very blessed to have this time with them.

Our new home is very close to my parents. It has been wonderful to live next to them. We actually see them less frequently than we used to, because we now have a yard (yay!).  They have a wonderful Ash tree that produces a lot of leaves in the fall. We have gone over a few times to play in the leaves. I decided today I would take some pictures.

The oldest brother officially graduated to a size 6 this morning. Really, it just happened this morning. Yesterday he wore size 5 pants to church and today all of his size 5 pants magically fit his brother. I have to say, I don't recommend marrying a 6'8" man. It's a good thing The Chemist has such a wonderful personality. Otherwise, I might have a hard time accepting the emotional stress it takes for us all to go clothing shopping. I do have unusually large kids. Today in the store, a woman assumed that the boys were five and six years old, and obviously should be much better behaved. 

We got a cat: Paws. Little Bit's prayers have been answered. 

We are going to one of the local pumpkin patches after dinner for FHE, pictures to follow. For now, here is some pictures of our adventures today. :)