Women in Heartache

Tonight I want to write to you about heartache. I don't know where to start my post, nor do I know how it will turn out. Bear with me.

We all experience it. We have a life event or series of events that hits us in the gut like a baseball bat. I know this feeling very well. For a while, the stomach is unsettled while the heart sits in the chest like a broken rock. From here, it can either get worse or better. It will probably be both.

Regardless of what causes our heartache, the psychological and physical damage is similar. Women will likely internalize and place the blame within themselves. They will probably lose or gain some weight.

We do not deserve to feel heartache. We especially don't deserve be the subject of intentional harm. You do not deserve to be lied to, physically ailed, cheated on, verbally abused, ignored, belittled, gossiped about, stalked, or otherwise by another. You do not deserve that.

I have been hurt. I have experienced heartache through my life. I will continue to experience it. Recently, I have. I felt my feet were knocked out from under me: they took the rest of my body with them. I felt the home-run slugger in the gut. The rocks in my heart weighed on my head. I felt estranged from the world because I had to internalize the events, and recalculate the importance of my existence. I felt the pressure to keep it together for my family would snap me in half. The emotional weight slowed me down physically and mentally. I found that while I never wanted to break down in front of my children, simultaneously I just wanted to hold them and cry. I wanted to escape this existence while I also wanted to pull through and be more successful and independent sooner than I had previously desired to be. I felt all of these things at the same time: I know many of you have felt this way too. The nausea of the stress can last for months. This event happened in December and I still throw up almost every day.

The good days come. There are days we think, "Hey! I can handle this!" and we do. Those days, for me, come when I beg of them from Heavenly Father. When I awake in the morning and peacefully ask for the guidance to survive, I generally receive it. Some days, even with that guidance, I still want to crawl back under the covers and hide for an afternoon. I don't do it. I pray.

Until this blog post, I have lived through this event mostly in silence. However, I feel it is important that my other friends and family understand they are not alone. A few times a week I hit rock bottom. When I do, I secretly hope that of the few people who know, one will hold my hand or give me a hug.

Today I wanted someone to say, "Hey, I know you hurt," or "Your kids are happy. You are doing a good job holding it together," or "I'm glad we're friends," or anything. As I was feeling sorry for myself, it hit me that I am blind and selfish. I know someone who knows my pain: Jesus. Not only does he know my pain, but he knows pain that far exceeds my own. He does also know love that exceeds my love. I called upon Heavenly Father and in my heart I heard a still voice say, "I know you hurt. Love your children as I love you. Soon, you will no longer feel this sorrow." It hit me like a brick. It does every time.

I am blessed that in all times and in all places, I have access to a mentor, father, brother, peacemaker, best friend and Lord. I am blessed to know His love, and to feel it. I am so grateful for the gospel and atonement of Jesus Christ.

I believe that as someone who is on the receiving end of difficult trials, it is my duty to pay forward my love. If I can help one person make it through, it will all be worth it. I ask that my readers may know that in times of difficultly, you may call upon The Lord: and you should. Even still, if you need someone to hold your hand and say to you, "I know you hurt," I will be that person for you. I will listen with love and without judgement.

I know in my heart there is a Heavenly Father who loves us, and we are blessed with the truth in His word. I know it takes four things to survive heartache: God, forgiveness, love, and diligence. I'm truly grateful for the gospel in my life. I cannot say it enough. Without the gospel I would be lost, alone, and vacant in times of sorrow. With the gospel, I am patient, loving, forgiving, and I have a reason to wake up in the morning. I have to love my boys with everything I have. I hope through love and example in our home, that they will continue to grow in Christ.

"Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole." Matthew 9:22

I would love to hear testimony feedback. I would love to hear any feedback.

Morgan